about trust

Warning: it's about to get real in here. Some prose written on a rough morning this week:

There is work to do but I don't want to do it today. People need me to be helpful & joyful, they need my smile but I don't have it today.
The familiar rock-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feeling, the tears falling, the lost loneliness, and the "what-ifs" are all back to haunt me. He is back to steal my peace, my restful sleep, and my smile, that ugly, grasping demon of fear.
Perfect love is supposed to cast out fear. But where is perfect love in the anger, the rudeness, the loneliness, the death, the pain, the unknown? Perfect love feels far away.
Perfect love feels far away and yet He's right there to whisper again:
"Trust Me."
How do I trust you?
We're back to that question; the one I asked when the car sent the bike to the curb & me with it.
The one I asked when pride sent an engagement to the curb & my heart with it. The one I asked when they told me I didn't have a seat on the plane. The one I asked when a little girl died from a preventable disease. It's the question we ask when babies don't live to breathe air and bullets sent young men into the arms of Jesus too soon. How do I trust one I can't see when all I can see says He isn't trustworthy?
Perfect Love whispers: "faith, not sight"
Then where do I get faith if I can't see it?
Hearing the words of the one that wants my trust. He says He is trustworthy, He says He is good, He says He is Faithful. He says He loves me. He says He will be with me to the end of the age. I don't know how long that is, but it sounds long.
I've been meditating on what this means: "He has brought me to His banquet hall, and His banner over me is love." (Song of Songs 2:4) I dont' think it means a cozy, fairy tale princess perfect dinning room. But it means He is there.
And He changes everything.
He Comforts, He heals, He restores, He makes all things new, He sets free, and He loves me.
So that's how I trust Him. I stay in the banquet hall where His banner over me is love. I listen to His whisper & rest in His arms. I hope for restoration, for freedom, & for peace. He hopes with me and does things I can't even see. So I just stay put with my heart & my everything in those perfect, nail scarred hands.